Banquet details

The detail that everyone seemed to love was the escort cards that we made out of leaves. Other than the gathering, pressing, shellacking, and storing of the leaves, I have very little knowledge of how the leaves became escort cards. At one point Dear bought a bunch of clear labels (since he refused to handwrite each one) and printed out names and table numbers on them. He also gave a bunch to my mother who could not provide us with a clear guest list so she had to handwrite hers. Lots of people commented on how creative we were, though one party pooper had to add that they were brittle (eh, screw him!). Some people seemed to like the idea so much that they pinned a leaf to themselves, as if it were a boutonniere. If I had fresh autumn leaves, I would have petitioned for adding one to Dear's boutonniere.


My MIL is a stained glass nut -- she goes every week to her class and her house is filled with all sorts of stained glass pieces. So it was only natural that I ask her to make us something featuring a double happiness character. At first I thought it'd be nice to have her make a caketopper but then she shot that idea down saying it'd be too heavy (I think a cake should be able to hold it up without collapsing) and saying that she was concerned about lead poisoning since the soldering is done with lead (though I said we could easly put a piece of cardboard underneath it to prevent that). So I said we'd just place the double happiness somewhere on the cake table then, akin to the large "I Do" letters that many brides use. After asking me a million questions and asking me to print her several sizes on paper, she set to work and bought the glass. Her choice of glass was not ideal, it turns out, since it was really a mirror (or something she explained that I don't understand) and she was not able to cut it into a circle. Instead, she'd have to keep it as a rectangle and she wouldn't be able to solder the edges so she also bought a frame to put it in. I wasn't crazy about the gold, but that's what happens when you give someone free reign. I think it turned out OK.
Behind the scenes, after-the-fact, "Pop-Up Video"-esque tidbit: I later learned MIL told the photographer that she made it and she urged him to take pictures of it.

In the last days, I just couldn't do anymore and Dear stepped up to do the table/menu cards, from design to printing. Of course, what I wanted was a lot more complicated so the simple idea Dear came up with was a lifesaver (not that I helped with that). On one side he included the guest names and on the other, the menu, along with explanations for each course.
I don't have the final wording of the menu, but it was something like this (this is our first draft):

There are 9 main courses to a Chinese banquet menu as the number connotes "everlasting." Everything is served whole to symbolize completeness. There is a delicate balance not just in the flavors, but also in the cooking method, where boiling balances frying, braising/steaming, cold/hot, savory/sweet.

Cold appetizer platter: Roast pig, ham, beef, jellyfish and pickled vegetables
Pig symbolizes purity -- J__ delivered a whole roast pig to R___'s parents to make the engagement official in the Chinese tradition.

Jumbo battered shrimp with candied walnuts

Shark fin soup with chicken
A very expensive delicacy, shark fin symbolizes prosperity.

Braised abalone with mushrooms and Chinese vegetables

Sirloin Steak with broccoli

Crispy whole fried chicken
The chicken symbolizes the phoenix (mythological bird), the representation of the wife.

Lobster, stir-fried with ginger and scallions
The lobster symbolizes the dragon, which represents the husband.

Steamed whole fish
Fish is a must at every important meal, as it sounds like the word "abundance" in Chinese.

Fried rice and E-fu noodles with mushrooms
Noodles, especially the e-fu noodles, are served to symbolize longevity.

Red bean soup with lotus seeds
Red is a lucky color and lotus seeds symbolize fertility.

The B list, and an A

To say I was disappointed with the restaurant is an understatement. But before I begin my complaint-fest, let me clarify the reasons why we chose the restaurant (if you haven't been reading from day one): A) we wanted a Chinese banquet, B) we wanted it in Manhattan since my family mostly resides in Brooklyn while Dear's family mostly resides in Queens and to pick a restaurant in either Queens or Brooklyn would be unfair to the other side, C) we didn't really want guests to trek all through NYC to get from the ceremony to the banquet, and D) FIL has a good friend that works there in upper management (not that that helped us much, as you'll read later).

Though I was glad that the restaurant's interior was (almost) completely overhauled, it was all show, no substance. Two weeks before the wedding, we went to talk to the restaurant/banquet manager and he gave us a little tour. He was so proud of everything (pointing out several times how they brought back the gold?/brass? phoenix & dragon wall hanging from China and that it cost a great amount of money) but he neglected to show us the bathrooms downstairs. When I snuck away to check them out at the end, I saw that they were the same dark, dank, slippery cesspools that they were before, a major concern of mine. Alas, there was nothing I could do about it but sulk (which I didn't do!).

And because the renovations were not completed until less than a month before the wedding, we couldn't set anything up ahead of time, like the menu, nor the accompanying menu cards. Thankfully we didn't need additional decorations b/c I really wouldn't be able to handle thinking about that. It was a great touch, though, how the manager casually mentioned on our walk-through that the little room in the back with 2 tables would be "left open" for "special guests." He said it was a possibility that some "special guests" may want to eat at the restaurant that night so if anyone happened to come that night, they couldn't turn them away. That turned out to be a bunch of hogwash b/c there was a planned birthday party going on in there but he was too chicken to tell us that they wanted to maximize their profit for that day and booked the little room for a party too. I wouldn't have minded so much if 1) he was honest about it and 2) the freaks from that party didn't ogle as if they were in a zoo, but seemingly crashed our wedding instead of just quietly making their way to the back.

I was also pissed that the restaurant gave us the wrong info! They said that they'd change their name after the renovation to "Crystal Palace" so that's what was printed on the invitations. But a month before our wedding I walked by and they put up the old name of the restaurant (Grand Harmony) in big red letters outside. When we asked, they said technically the name of the restaurant is "Crystal Palace" b/c that's what they printed on their menus. But I don't give a flying hoot about the menus b/c no one would be looking at it that day but ppl will certainly be looking at the outside of the restaurant to know where to go! To alleviate our fears, they said that they'd put out a big sign outside saying this is Crystal Palace restaurant but they never did.

We were also promised that certain things would be refrigerated (like the wine for the tables) which weren't. After the fact I was also told that all the juice that Dear purchased for the bar went missing and mysteriously reappeared after the manager made one of his workers go get some. Dear also said he saw one of the workers swipe a nearly full bottle of liquor as he casually traversed the length of the room. There were also reports of the restaurant help partaking of the dim sum/appetizers we had for the cocktail hour (which we had to pay for by the piece, btw, so they were essentially stealing from us and our guests b/c the food was gone in a matter of minutes), instead of doing their jobs. One of our guests also said that he wished they didn't clang all the plates so loudly (though I suppose that is one of the "charms" of a Chinese restaurant, kinda like MJ tiles). I'm sure all the leftover stuff (like the favors we labored over!) were swiped too b/c a few of our friends said that when they came back to their seat, it was gone. And I've already complained about the lack of tea for the tea ceremony (we were told a few times that it was going to be brought to us but it never came).

BANQUET at GRAND HARMONY aka CRYSTAL PALACE: B-
I'd give a lower grade but I really don't expect much from Chinese banquet halls. It's long known that you either sacrifice service/decor for good food or sacrifice good food for the service/decor. Instead of going to one of the restaurants in Midtown, we chose Ctown and got 2 of the 3 aforementioned qualities at GH/CP -- I was pretty satisfied with the food and the decor was alright (sans the bathroom). Every banquet I've ever been to, the fish is overcooked, except at Grand Harmony (or is it Crystal Palace?!). All the other food was good too, with just the right flavors (not too salty, etc.) and there were no complaints (that I heard). Writing this review reminds me of how those Chinese wedding salons were so sneaky (as well as my hairstylist) and it just goes to show how you really can't trust Chinese vendors, but in this instance, we really had no choice since we wanted a Chinese banquet. Let me also add that FIL's friend at the restaurant didn't really do anything for us, though I wonder if we would have been treated worse if we didn't know anyone on the inside. We did however, score an extra lobster for each table when Dear brought over the customary bribe of liquor the Wednesday before, along with the money for half the cost of the banquet. (You read that right, you're supposed to bribe the restaurant staff with stuff the week before so that they'll remember you and treat you well; this is in addition to the tip.)

Another vendor that I was less than satisfied with was the DJ/MC. It's confusing what to call him and his company since he never gave us a straight answer. He supposedly used to work at OUO but struck out on his own and started some weirdly-named company but when he introduced himself to everyone at the wedding, he used some other permutation of that name. In any case, I am very reluctant to actually publish his name/company since he's known Dear for a really long time and I'd like to think that part of the reason why I was quite unsatisfied is b/c we were really bad customers (hardly followed up with him, didn't always get him what he asked for) and I think in some ways he treated us less professionally b/c he was so familiar with us. For example, he said we could get him the song lists 2 weeks before the event (he tells everyone else he needs the lists 1 month ahead). I guess he trusted us to actually get back to him on time (or made a huge exception for us) so he didn't really hound us. What happened instead was just chaos (see what happens when I don't micromanage?! :D). I have to admit, though, I didn't really care about this part (I really just wanted to use an iPod -- and maybe we should have) so I didn't put much effort into it (we didn't do much research, and I kept pushing for the iPod but we also felt a bit guilty for not giving business to the friend). Aside from our dropping the ball, at times, I felt the DJ/MC wasn't really listening to us, like insisting/pleading with us to "pump it up" when we told him we were more mellow people and didn't really want rap and hip-hop. I also wanted a different DJ b/c I had heard less than stellar reviews about him, but the MC convinced us to stick w/ him and I just didn't want to fight it anymore.

On the day of, there were quite a few complaints about the decibel level of the music and each time we told them to bring it down, the MC placated us by saying he would (but didn't really) while the DJ would ignore the request (saying he couldn't turn it down but that if it bothered people so much, he'd turn the speaker to face him only, which is just nonsensical). I think in some ways, the loud music caused everyone to leave early, which was both good and bad (didn't mind the old folk leaving but wouldn't have minded our friends staying behind).

And my biggest complaint, as I've mentioned before, was the MC not relaying the info about the cake. As my MIL put it, he was just too busy dancing and having fun himself that he didn't do his job. I heard that he did make for some good eye candy for some friends though (the flirting went both ways, I think, which is somewhat unprofessional).

DJ/MC: B-
A final thought: my cousin told me weeks later that she went to a wedding a week after ours and they used the same MC. She said he had the same exact schtick, including the incredibly loud music. I don't know what their deal is with loudness (they started off at a tolerable level) but I think they think you need loud music to have fun -- get a clue!! I know this particular review was probably not very helpful to anyone, but if you really want to know who the MC is, I can relay it to those interested if you email me at rm47of450 at yahoo. I guess you can also learn from our mistake -- just use an iPod!! :P

But to end on a sweet note, I was happy with the bartender we hired. The restaurant doesn't have a liquor license so if you want a bar, you have to provide it yourself (Dear bought massive quantities of alcohol the week of). They could, however, hire their own bartenders for some exorbitant amount and they suggested having 2. So instead of shelling out that money to someone who would probably be stealing half the liquor as they served it, I turned to my alma mater for their bartending service. They are a bargain at $20/hr (minimum of 3 hours), plus tip and cab fare back uptown. Since they are students, it wasn't always easy to contact them (email seemed best), but I did get info on how much liquor to purchase and they were quite amenable to my demands. They are quite professional too.

Since we had heard that the bar could get quite busy during cocktail hour, we supplemented the bartender with some of Dear's relatives who helped with simpler drink requests like juice and such. After that first hour or so, the lone bartender was fine on her own. We also felt good being able to help out so-called starving students (remember your days scraping by in college?) -- she was sooooo grateful that I asked her whether or not she'd like dinner since the restaurant was providing all vendor meals. And I guess she didn't expect much b/c she seemed thrilled at all the tips she was getting, plus we tipped her 20%. And in the end, we still paid much less than what the restaurant wanted (I think in total, we spent under $150 for about 5 hours).

PARTY HELP with BARNARD BARTENDING AGENCY: A
To hire them, you just have to give at least 2 weeks notice (they actually don't assign someone to you until 2 weeks before but I asked them to book someone for me a month ahead) and sign the one-page form the day of. Of course I was too busy to do so on that day, so our coordinator took care of this for us. I think they also have general party helpers if you need people to pass hors d'oeuvres or anything like that. For more info, check out their website.

How it all came down: the evening of, part deux

Now back to recapping my wedding. I last left off with doing the tea ceremony before the banquet began so let us continue from there. I have no idea when we finally started the banquet (no watch) but it felt like forever and like a mass of confusion. Everyone was running around and I was trying to rest up and also get makeup retouches (plus snacking on the steaming-fresh-out-of-the-fryolator egg rolls that my BMs smuggled from the reception outside -- though should I have been mingling then?). I think Dear was finalizing details with the MC (yeah, we were so unprepared with that stuff), people were snapping pictures, getting me to pose with them, and there was a whole slew of family portraits AGAIN (so I really really really do NOT understand why someone really wanted the group shots after the ceremony when time could have been better utilized!). People kept disappearing but eventually the necessary people started to line up by the door so that we could be introduced in the proper order and get the whole thing started. I don't know if we didn't start on time because we couldn't line up or because there weren't many people there yet (I heard the MC say that at one point). But eventually, we walked onto the dance floor as Mr. and Mrs. and there was the awkward moment of where do we go b/c we had nixed the idea of forming an arch with the bridal party's extended arms and us walking underneath it. I think we stood by the front with the rest of the bridal party and then went to our first dance from there (Michael Buble's "You and I", which we picked maybe 2 days before) and it felt incredibly long and weird for everyone to be staring at us, fumbling/shuffling along like that. Somehow or other the MC made eye contact with me and he got the idea to end the song, which I was sorta thankful for, but what I really wanted was for him to invite other couples to the dance floor so that we didn't have so much attention on us. Instead, he cut to the parents dance, which was embarassing and I think I would NOT have regretted skipping this part. Though the lead-up to that was extremely hilarious when my mortified MIL learned that she had to dance in public so she forced FIL to take dancing lessons with her and they still haven't really mastered much of anything. :D [Though FIL danced somethin' fierce towards the end with one of Dear's friends (he looked like he was having so much fun!! -- see the pics below).] Anyway, it was extremely awkward for me to dance with my father (since we hardly talk and we're never even standing so physically close to each other, plus he didn't know when he had to go up [and neither did I]) and someone told me he looked really scared, like he was afraid he'd hurt me so he held me by the wrist (which I totally didn't notice). To add to the awkwardness, the parents dance was cut short to bring out the bridal party couples and we were dancing to the Michael Buble song again.

We then finally had the chance to sit down and the first course was served. I was a bit dismayed to have to sit on the head table with the out-laws and some seemingly distant relative of Dear's. But it was OK, I was able to eat (though the jellyfish was so chewy that I almost choked, or was it my nerves?), unlike Dear who went around like the town mayor to make sure the vegetarian ppl were OK and that they had stuff to eat (totally different menu for them).

Just when I started my shark fin soup I was whisked away to do the cake-cutting. Unfortunately we chose a really short song for this (Sarah McLachlan's "Ice Cream") and our photographer wanted to set us up with a million and one different poses. When we finally got to the cake, we had no idea how to cut it (at first we were cutting the cardboard in between the layers) and for some reason I made a very thin slice before Dear said we should cut something bigger, which was a bit of a struggle. We also had issues sliding the piece out onto the plate, but with the help of my fingers, it made it to the plate. :P Somehow or other we finally got a DELICIOUS bite of the cake. I totally wanted to stuff the rest of the slice into my mouth but only made away with a lick of my fingers. [VH1 "Pop Up Video"-like sidenote: I got the cake knife and server 2 days before the wedding because we weren't sure whether the restaurant provided it. We looked high and low (OK, not very high, nor low) for a plain one. There were a lot with frilly patterns or porcelain handles, which I totally didn't want, nor did I want to spend a buttload of money on it. I finally found a plain one at Macy's for about $20 -- woo hoo!]

BEFORE: struggling to take a pic whilst my mouth waters for a bite of the cake

AFTER: the lovely cake mutilated and yummified in my tummy

We sat down for a brief instant and I was called to do the bouquet toss thing. Dear got to finish his shark fin soup while I did this ritual that I was really torn about. On the one hand, I've always hated being singled out (why should you be 'punished' b/c you're single?!) but I also didn't want to exclude anyone in case they really wanted to participate. I once went to a wedding where all the single women were called up (I went reluctantly) but I was pleasantly surprised to see that instead of the embarassing garter toss, etc. the bride gave everyone who went up a mini bouquet. I was thinking of doing the same thing but it was hard to gauge the number of people who would go up, plus I kinda forgot. Anyway, a few women went up and the MC (completely against my wishes -- I explicitly told him I didn't want to make it a big deal and that I didn't care if only a few ppl went up) tried to get me to coax more ppl up, even asking me if I saw anyone sitting who should have been (I barely looked across the room and said I think that's it). When the MC was finally satisfied with the group on the floor, I did my toss and I guess everyone moved away from it (the dance floor was huge so they had a lot of places to run) so I tossed it again... and again. The MC then made all the girls form a circle with their backs turned so that I could choose someone. Great... such pressure!! I looked for my friend who's getting married next year but she wisely chose to remain seated (or hidden) and I thought long and hard about who would enjoy the flowers the most without being embarassed to the heavens. I finally settled on the person who was closest to the bouquet last (it landed by her feet but she refused to pick it up). In pictures, her expression at getting picked was total shock/mortification (classic!) but when she found out there was no garter toss she was all OK (afterwards she said that if she knew there was no garter thing she would have gladly accepted the flowers the first time around).

Watch the crowds scatter

And then watch the chosen's reaction! :)

By this time, my soup was cold and starting to congeal but I had to go change to my red qi pao. I grabbed BM (I normally have no problems changing on my own but I needed someone to add the flowers to my hair) and all the other BMs followed me to my little chamber. It was nice to be waited on (one person fixing my hair, the other two adding on some of the gold jewelry that I received at the tea ceremony). :D I was also very grateful when I had to pee earlier on and one held my dress up and another watched the door. :)) And to continue this TMI stream (no pun intended -- haha!), I forgot to put on my SPANX (to flatten my gargantuan tummy and slim my tree-trunk thighs so that I could sit in the tight-fitting dress) and I had to put it on after the fact. It was no easy task, so word of advice, remember your SPANX ahead of time!!

If my red dress fit better, I'd be more ecstatic about it. But for less than $100, I was satisfied. My mother helped me pick it out and she really liked it (yes, I finally did something she approved of). I also really liked the different look of the keyhole opening in the front and the delicate gold embroidery all over it. Anyway, when I came out, we danced to "The Lady in Red."If I had my druthers, I would have put more effort into choosing a song for this part b/c it just seems so cliche but I've always liked that song, so it wasn't that terrible. After the quick dance (and requisite snapshots), we went around to toast the tables. The restaurant manager had already mixed Coke with Sprite in goblets for us, though I would have enjoyed seeing some ppl do silly drinking games with liquor. :)
One of the things that I appreciated about the MC was his introduction of this toasting by saying that the table who makes the most noise when we come around would get a special treat (don't know if he followed through on this) b/c it got us some really good reactions. Unfortunately we had a schedule to keep and we couldn't chat longer with some ppl and the restaurant manager kept moving us along. He also tried to keep us in the right order -- groom's parents, followed by bride and groom together, then bride's parents, and the rest of the bridal party -- but we wanted to stray at times like when Dear was catching up with his friends but no one else knew the ppl on that table and they wanted to move along.

After the toasting, the banquet was pretty much over. The photographer took off soon after (so it must have been around 9:30), the fried rice and noodles came out, and the cake was put out, along with the ice cream. I'm not sure how many ppl knew about the ice cream but there should not have been an excuse for the cake, except that the MC was remiss and did not mention it at all. I changed into my final dress of the evening (perhaps my favorite) and rested/hid a while as ppl did the conga line outside. Call me a party-pooper but I don't dance and I don't like being forced to, so I may not have partied as much as I should have but it looked like other ppl didn't mind and had fun anyway. The MC did pull us out at the end when everyone formed a circle and cheered us on. We came out and stood in the center of the circle but had no idea what to do (were we supposed to dance? laugh? sing?) and eventually the MC made everyone give us a group hug.

FIL gettin' down

The luscious cake served to the masses

Oh, did I forget the toasts? I don't remember at all when they took place (after the cake cutting? after the bouquet toss?) but all three were really nice and full of sweet sentiments. It was good that none of them were really embarassing (my poor BM seemed extremely nervous!!) but had humor nevertheless. The only bad thing was that ppl are crazy RUDE and continued to talk as the toasts were given so some ppl said they could barely hear anything. I also somewhat regret not giving a toast of our own, thanking everyone for coming. We were so busy (and such slackers w/ the MC) that it completely slipped our mind. :T

And before we knew it, ppl started leaving and we were saying good bye to them by the door as they left. At one point, the aunt and uncle that came too late for the tea ceremony rushed over and put the necklace they bought on me. It was a bit weird but I remember their gift most clearly. :) As the restaurant cleared of people, our wonderful helpers cleaned everything up and packed stuff away. I sat like the little diva that I am, resting my aching feet until almost everyone was gone. At the end, some of my friends stayed behind to keep me company and it was good to chat with them. When my parents were leaving, my brother gave a little speech to Dear welcoming him to the family and said some mushy stuff to me too. He then gave me a bear hug (even lifting me off the floor), causing me to leave a smear of runny makeup on his rented tux.

Eventually Dear and I drove to the church where we dropped off a whole bunch of stuff at FIL's office and we went to Pathmark to get some drinks (completely parched and someone had packed away all the leftover drinks by then) so that we could properly chow down on the leftovers from our table. :)

How it all came down: the evening of

Before the banquet began in the evening, we cut the picture-taking short (cutting out the SI Ferry option) and headed back to Ctown so that we could get the tea ceremony started. There was a bit of traffic, especially on the street leading to the restaurant. Our photographer got out of the car so that he could capture shots of us arriving and I think he must've waited at least 15 minutes for those few paces. The bridal party, behind us, decided to just walk and they got there way before we did.

When we got to the restaurant, Judy, our fantabulous baker, had just finished setting up the cake. It was so nice, exactly the way I wanted and yet way beyond my expectations. I think we were still communicating about flowers a few days before the wedding and I just gave her free reign because indecisive me couldn't decide on a lot of things. She ended up creating a bunch of yellowish-orange sugarpaste orchids for the cake-topper and at first I thought they were real! Everything that I could decide on and asked for was created exactly the way I wanted, down to the same shade of red that I love from the invitations. From the flowers to the double happiness monogram in royal icing, to the cherry blossom texture on the middle tier, to the red bands stamped with an image of a Chinese knot I found on an envelope, I really loved how the cake turned out and to try to describe how beautiful it was would just ruin it.

So here are some pics.

Do you see how she even piped the cherry blossom design onto the board that the cake is sitting on?

close-up of the flowers on top of the cake

close-up of the double happiness

Someone captured this moment while Judy was setting up -- look at the deep concentration!

CAKE from SILK CAKES: A+
I love Judy's work and I think she was the best vendor we dealt with, coming up with exactly what I wanted. She has a lot of good ideas and her work is exquisite! And her pricing is a lot more affordable than other bakers that we checked with for the type of cake we wanted. She is also very accessible -- we met with her several times to discuss the design and flavors, plus we communicated regularly through email. At the tasting, we couldn't decide which flavor we liked more so we chose both the mocha cake with raspberry filling and the lemon cake with strawberry filling as different tiers. I think the mocha turned out a LOT better than the lemon (though the lemon wasn't bad either) and I even had guests ask for more of it when only the lemon was left. Someone also said that he doesn't usually like that type of cake (chocolate with fruity flavors) but he still really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, a lot of guests also said that they didn't partake of any of the scrumptiousness b/c the MC neglected to mention that there was cake to the side (more on THAT some other time -- hrmph!!). But can I really complain, since we got all the leftovers?! :D We cut a section to freeze for our one-month anniversary (yesterday, btw, but we totally forgot!) and we also had slices here and there for the first two weeks when I allowed myself to eat with reckless abandon again. But I digress, I HIGHLY recommend Silk Cakes!


I don't know who exactly set stuff up at the restaurant, but the favors and bottles of wine (or at least most of them) eventually made it to the tables, as did the table/menu cards. The cake table was also made gorgeous by BM's sister, who set up the buckets of flowers from the ceremony in a line across the back of the table. Such a simple presentation that did just the trick! She also propped up the floral monograms so that they flanked either side of the cake, and spread leftover petals on the table. I was so pleasantly surprised at how romantically lush it came out!

BEFORE: the cake table

AFTER: the cake table (with us in the background doing the tea ceremony)

While everything was set up, we did the tea ceremony thing on the stage at the front of the restaurant. It took forever to get things ready (to round everyone up and to get the tea) so it totally threw our schedule out the window, even though we showed up early (and sacrificed going to all the places we wanted to for pics). Finally, Dear went and got the tea and we got started. It was weird to address all these people as if we were related (like addressing Dear's aunts as if they were my aunts, since I am now considered part of that family). At times I found it comical when we didn't know how to address certain relatives (I am somewhat disrespectful and I don't always correctly address my relatives by their proper rank and title, plus I thought my parents called some ppl various terms of endearment). And when I forgot what Dear just called his relatives, thankfully BM was paying attention and mouthed it to me. That garnered me at least one brownie point with Dear's aunt, who called me smart since I normally don't talk to her under the guise of not understanding her Cantonese dialect. ;)

At the beginning I really didn't want to do the tea ceremony thing b/c I thought it would take up too much time and in some instances I don't really want to pay respect to ppl that I don't really know (like some 'aunt' who I still don't quite understand the relation of). But it was kinda cool to have that time with each set of relatives, sorta talk to them, and to serve them tea, kinda like a receiving line on steroids (only they were sitting and we standing). Originally we were supposed to kneel to the elders but Dear adamantly refused. I thought he was being picky but then I learned this was some sort of pagan ritual so I fought for it too. I felt a bit guilty about this since my mother had already purchased the pillows and the specially embroidered pillowcases but in the end she understood (or got so tired of fighting me on every little thing that she gave up). However, either my parents didn't communicate with each other (highly likely) or my father forgot, but when it came their turn to be served tea, my father kept saying "Aren't they supposed to kneel?" I found that kinda funny too. Besides a bunch of gold bracelets and stuff, my mother also gave me a pair of gold screwpost earrings with diamonds -- the posts were so thick it hurt to stick it in my ears, but everyone said I had to wear everything to show respect. After a while, I started to look like the female (and Chinese) version of Mr. T. And Dear's tux pocket was stuffed with envelope after envelope that we each received from each set of elders. I wish we kept better track of these. :( Also, I still think that my older brother should have been included in this lineup but my family insisted that he shouldn't be because he's not yet married. What irked me more is that later on, when our families were introduced, he was excluded yet again, as if I don't have a brother. Even Dear's younger brother was introduced then! Friggin' distant aunts were mentioned but not my brother -- how much closer of a relation can you get than siblings?!

Anyway, on to other criticisms.... Just a few more posts about the banquet and I'll be done recapping! (Maybe we'll then have time/patience to do all the million other things that need to be done, like going through pro pics [if we ever get them], writing thank you notes, etc.)

Extra cake?

If you are the groom, stop reading! (though the chances that he is actually reading this are very slim.) I had always thought that the idea of a groom's cake (which are supposedly making a comeback) was just another wedding industry excuse for brides to spend more money so I thought I'd never even consider having one. The idea behind a groom's cake is that it is a gift to the groom from the bride (I once read that the traditional wedding cake is sometimes called the bridal cake or something) and it is often made to reflect the interests and tastes of the groom. Traditionally, the groom's cake would be sliced up and packaged for guests to take home. There are some superstitions about single women sleeping with it under their pillow and some variations on how a future husband would be in store for them.

Unlike the tiered white cakes that are often seen in weddings, the groom's cake is more casual and fun. So, for instance, if I were to get a groom's cake for Dear, it'd be the face of his latest watch (also the wedding gift I got for him a while back). The thing is, I think the idea and first glance at the cake would garner oohs and aahs but then afterwards, it's just a tiny detail that most won't appreciate. And Dear, being the practical person that he is, would probably rather save that extra money for some gadget that he can play with for longer than five minutes, rather than the extra calories the cake would be. However, I am also concerned that there isn't enough cake for everyone (we were going to supplement the existing tiered wedding cake with a dessert bar). So should I bother with this (somewhat expensive) detail? Any brides out there doing a groom's cake?

Here are some groom's cakes I thought were interesting:

And if I were to have a groom's cake, it'd be like this. But instead of a poker chip design, it'd be like this watch face.

Construction

This was the site last month. Will it be ready in time?

Nightmares, awake and not

I have mild interest in hearing/reading about other ppl's dreams (they're usually too obtuse, boring, and meaningless to me) so indulge me for this entry as I have to report that this past week I had my first wedding-related nightmare. I think this is important b/c it seems to me that ppl start to have these nightmares as the day draws close, as it is for me.

So my dream was basically about not having a dress (though that seems to be more realistic than ever before). I showed up at the church and the dress was supposed to be delivered there but instead the morons decided to deliver it to the restaurant (even though I had never given them that address). It turns out to be too late to retrieve it from the restaurant and everyone decides that I'll just attend the ceremony in my regular clothes and change into the dress at the reception. So I get married in jeans, sneakers, and a blazer (odd b/c I don't own a blazer).

Thankfully I've forgotten all the other details to the dream. But onto real-life nightmares: I walked past the restaurant today and it was still boarded shut. This time the disco-style overhang was completely ripped off. And the guest list continues to grow, like a bad cancer.

The scarlet cloth

At Chinese weddings (specifically the banquet portion), the tradition is to have a red cloth for guests to sign instead of a guestbook. This also serves as a keepsake for the couple, who can choose to frame it in the future. Before the days of Sharpies and ballpoint pens, ppl would use brush and ink to sign in (a tradition that I'm trying to bring back!). Now with all sorts of permanent markers out there, what I find most annoying about using the cloth is that it's difficult to sign while the cloth moves with the pen. The newer tradition that I've seen at some weddings is to use a large poster, created by the photo studio, with the couple's engagement photo on it. This is a lot easier to sign but since we didn't go with a studio and I like the look of the cloth (kinda like a scroll, in my mind), we're eschewing the airbrushed look for the embroidered look.

Our sign-in cloth, nothing at all like I had requested, was recently brought back by Dear's aunt who was vacationing in HK. I wanted something very different from the usual rectangle with the phoenix and dragon embroidered in gold and various colors on top and instead wanted a square piece of cloth with the double happiness character entwined within a fancy phoenix and dragon in the shape of a circle, embroidered in red thread in the center. Alas, this aunt did not abide by my wishes and just brought back the generic kind, customized with our names and date embroidered on the side.

needs to be ironed, of course

Though I may sound ungrateful, I really wish that she would have spent just a little more money on it (we should have given her money beforehand instead of waiting to pay her back, not that she would tell us how much it is *sigh*). It's not the best quality out there (very inexpensive edging -- they couldn't even fold over the ends to sew a smooth edge -- I may just finish it myself with a ribbon) but what worries me is that it's a bit small. It is a mere 34"x27" and would take up less than half a small table (there's even less empty space for signers b/c a significant chunk is taken up by our names/date and the stock embroidery on top). I've never seen one this small b/c even someone who had a 100-person wedding had a larger one than this (his was flopping off the table, whereas ours will sit comfortably with room to spare). With three times that many ppl expected, I don't know what ppl will do when they run out of room. We joked, will they start to sign on the back side (so that when we get it framed, it'd have to be in a see-through frame to view both sides)? I just hope ppl will have the sense not to sign over our names or something. My mother suggested sewing extra fabric around it to make it bigger but I'm sure that will look tacky and piecemeal.

The other dilemma is if we don't use the cloth, will the aunt be insulted (though FFMIL did a good job of telling her it was small right to her face instead of thanking her for her trouble -- gotta love Chinese bluntness!). So is it too small? Can I have two cloths side by side? How about taping off sections for VIPs to sign only? Or giving pens with ink that dry invisible to ppl I don't like?

Tea ceremony

Traditionally, according to my research, only the groom's family participates in the tea ceremony, which is performed more publicly. All elders are served, beginning with the parents, then oldest relatives to youngest, from aunts and uncles down to older siblings. I think the paternal side goes before the maternal side, so for us I guess it will be his maternal grandmother (since the paternal ones are no longer around), paternal aunt and uncle, maternal aunts and uncles. Since he is the oldest child, it will just end there.

The bride serves her parents and elders tea by herself (w/o the groom or help from a 'lucky' woman) before the groom picks her up. This serves as a thank you for raising her before she bids adieu to her family. It seems like the bride's family gets shafted in this aspect (what, no public respect is due for them?!) but if you really think about it, the bride's family is spared the expense of buying jewelry or giving out gifts (usually in the form of money) and instead, they get portions of the pig and pastries that the groom delivers in exchange for her.

It seems though, nowadays, once the groom gains admittance to the bride's home, everyone eats one meal (considered the bride's last meal at home) together and the bride and groom serve tea to all the elders again. And I think there is now the giving of gifts (so they're not spared that expense but at least they get extra food?).

I'm not sure how this will pan out for us since I don't plan on doing the door games to "win" the bride from the protection of the maidens. My excuse is to not break the tradition of viewing the bride before the ceremony. Otherwise, I've heard of ppl who first serve tea to the bride's parents (and all her relatives) in her home after the groom does the games thing. Then they go to the groom's house and serve tea to parents and elders. I guess that makes more sense for ppl who don't have a church ceremony b/c that takes up a lot of time. However, I do know of ppl who've done both (traveling between the 2 homes and then going to church) and that saves them from doing the ceremony during cocktail hour.

I was thinking of doing the entire tea ceremony thing the night before (it'd be way easier if we did this at a hotel since we live in 2 different boroughs, 25 miles apart, about an hour's drive, depending on traffic). The only question is when to fit that in since there will be rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, plus I think this makes it inconvenient for the relatives who have to specially schedule in this extra bit, as opposed to being at the cocktail hour/banquet anyway (though if they go to the rehearsal dinner, they'll be there anyway).

One other idea I had was to make the tea ceremony a part of the reception, out on the dance floor so that it serves as entertainment as well (instead of those silly games). I guess someone could narrate what's going on but I think it'd be pretty boring: "Here the couple is pouring tea to first aunt and uncle. Here they are pouring tea for second aunt and uncle...." Maybe to toss things up a little, the narrator can describe what the gift is (though that can also embarass the giver, but maybe that's a perk? :D). The only slightly interesting thing about this would be an explanation of the history and reason for things:

Bride and groom are bedecked in the traditional red bridal costumes (for me, not the exact traditional thing b/c I don't want to wear the pajama-like qua and instead opt for the body-hugging qipao and I doubt that fiance would want to wear anything but a tux). The narrator can point out the phoenix and dragon embroidered on my dress, Chinese marriage symbols the phoenix being a mythical bird-like creature that represents the wife and the dragon representing the husband. Somewhere along the continuum of my Chinese education, I kinda remember learning about the joining of the phoenix to the dragon as something great -- a "match made in heaven" so to speak. Of course, I could be making this up, but who will correct me? ;D Anyway, the narrator can also elaborate on how tea is like the national drink of Chinese ppl, how serving it is a sign of respect (hence youngest male should always serve it when dining out), and how the teacup must be held with two hands. There is a 'lucky woman,' supposedly designated by the fortune teller, who helps move the process along by pouring the tea, setting it on a tray and passing it to the couple. Also, the bride and groom kneel while the ppl being served are seated in chairs. I think they address each person by rank (like first aunt on father's side) as they serve. In return, the bride and groom receive gifts of gold and money in red envelopes. I've seen ppl put all sorts of jewelry (often necklaces and bracelets, not so much earrings) on the couple and also putting the red envelopes on the tray that the tea is served on so that the couple seemingly don't touch the gifts at all (not sure what the reason is for this). And after this, it'd be the boring roll call....

A possible 'first dance' song

Words to songs, though they may have a great melody, can totally kill the song for me. For instance, my co-worker suggested the James Blunt song "You're Beautiful" and I've thought 'nice song' when I've heard it on the radio. However, when I looked up the lyrics, I was totally put off and it's completely inappropriate, in my opinion, for a wedding song. But at the wedding that I was at this weekend, they played a song that I've always liked but never thought about using at our wedding. It was good enough that fiance and I actually got up to dance. The translation (included below) is a little cheesy but I don't want to give away so much (by providing the actual song or title) so that there is at least a little element of surprise on the big day. In any case, we really need to track down a DJ as I feel like the clock is ticking for that. But I'm really disinterested in finding one....

This weekend we also went to Staples to buy some cardstock for the RSVP postcards, directions, and the invites. They've got this great scam going where the stuff that's on their website is not necessarily in the store. I'm not so surprised at that as I am about them not carrying their housebrand of paper in-store (that's what I wanted b/c it's a little bit cheaper). Also, they didn't have the exact thing that I wanted in the bulk pack and so we had to buy more packs of the smaller size, which is more expensive than just getting the 500 pack. They did have the heavier coverstock in the 500 pack which turned out to be cheaper per sheet than the lighter stock, which totally doesn't make sense to me. So we were forced to buy the more expensive stuff b/c paying for shipping makes it not worth it (we didn't qualify for the free shipping). The service there sucks too -- two clerks avoided me when they saw that I was trying to approach them to ask a question. And when I cornered the third one by catching her by surprise, she was upset that someone actually asked her for help. Another clerk actually asked if I needed help but she looked mortified when I proceeded to ask her my question. She didn't really know the answer but fumbled around for a somewhat satisfactory one and was completely relieved when I got distracted by fiance calling me over. Anyway, I can't wait to finalize the wording for the invites (waiting on the decision about whether or not to have a cocktail hour) so that we can start printing, cutting, and gluing (oh my!).

Here're the lyrics for the song that I mentioned above -- extra credit to the person who can guess which song it is. :)
When I’'m alone
I dream on the horizon
and words fail;
yes, I know there is no light
in a room where the sun is absent,
if you are not with me, with me.
At the windows
show everyone my heart
which you set alight;
enclose within me
the light you
encountered on the street.

I’'ll go with you,
to countries I never
saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I’'ll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
and, Yes, I know
that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me,
with me, with me, with me.

I'’ll go with you,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I’'ll go with you
On ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer,
with you I shall experience them again.
I’ll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I’ll go with you,
I with you.

450!

I know, enough about the dress already! So, next topic. The other day, after a 3-month hiatus, we hammered out the guest list with FFIL. We had started back in the summer and back then I was so pissed! I knew that he would want to invite this insufferable woman from church, who is all talk and fake show. And if she's not invited, there would be terrible consequences for that side of the family b/c the church has nothing better to do than to backstab, choose favorites, and gossip. The worst part about inviting this attention-whore is that I've heard that she won't give a gift. Not only is that rude (how could you even think to show up empty-handed to a party?!), but I think that's just class-less. So we would basically be buying her a fancy 10-course dinner, because a young couple can afford to throw thousands of dollars around. Anyway, this time around I was more mellow (I'm sticking ppl like her on the last table, in the corner and I'd give them a different menu if I could) though it drove me bonkers to sit there while FFIL rattled off a Chinese name of some distant 'relative' and then fiance would try to phonetically type it into his spreadsheet. It didn't help that some of these names were already in the spreadsheet so we had to decipher things like 'Koo' which FFIL didn't understand b/c it was said with the wrong tone. To make it extra difficult, fiance doesn't know these ppl b/c they are 'related' in such ways as "we have the same name," "we're from the same village," (not to be confused with "we're from the same province"), and my personal favorite, "she is the daughter of the son-in-law of your grandmother's cousin." In the end, it was decided to purge these mysteriously related folks and have FFIL input them on his own using Chinese Word, since we really don't need to know who these ppl are. (They'll show up with 3 extra uninvited family members, give a $20 gift, and wear white tube socks.) Aside from this hodgepodge of 'relatives' FFIL also wants to invite all his workers, all the members of every committee in church (regardless of whether or not he likes or respects them), and even someone known as Dragonlady b/c she invited them for her daughters' wedding, yet he may not invite someone who is on a current committee if they are not invited for his daughter's wedding in May. At least there was someone whose name sounded like a Chinese curse (the '8th grandma' one), which kept me amused and giggling on the sly. All told, with fiance's huge amount of relatives (both true and who knows what), plus my family (crazies and all), and our friends, the number stands at 450. I think there will be more ppl there that I don't know than ppl that I do know, and I think friends and ppl that I actually want there will be a minority. Hmmm... sounds like it's a party for FFIL, doesn't it? My hope is that for our 10 year anniversary we'll actually do something that we want (and maybe that will mean an extended vacation far far away, the destination wedding that I've always wanted). I'm also hoping that all 450 ppl won't show up, though the idea of sending out all those invites is still daunting. But I'm pretty sure that there will be 2 versions of invites, one strictly in Chinese (probably of the cheap, mass-produced, Raid-smelling kind), and the handcrafted one.